Day 57..Vegetarian is goood!.....who knew..

Today I had a jerusalem artichoke....and it was delicious! In the past few days I've been eating lunch at the Green Door- a local vegetarian/vegan restaurant...if you can get past the table mates talking about Xenu and their third eye, its really fantastic food- so many colourful veggies, beautifully prepared, organic, fresh..yum. I could def become a fish.chicken-a-tarian ...I love my steak but if I only had it once a month or less I'd be ok.

So today;s food and exercise:
2 eggs and toast
1 spelt bread, tofu and broccoli, mushrooms, brussel sprouts, beet and carrot salad.
glazed almonds
1 hr spin
chicken breast, mixed beans, spinach
protein shake (vegan powder, coco powder, 1/2 banana, almond milk)

New hair, new eyelashes, and three days away from leaving for Punta!. awesome.

Day 56..and on and on..

Last night was a good finish. Felt good about doing some strong cardio after a bad eating day on mon.and getting back ontrack . Today's eats were good too
2 toasts 2 eggs
a few slivered almonds
1 hour workout- mostly strength training- upper body and abs
1 piece bread, tofu stirfy/salad at vegetarian restaurant.raspberry torte vegan and spelt crust
chicken breast,brussel sprouts and cilantro salad
2 squares 90% chocolate.

So a good eating day today. Will do cardio tommorow (spin and maybe a run too!) and friday, sat, and sun am! And then off to have some fun in the sun....yeah!

Day 54.55...And still I soldier on...

So not quite 60 days..two months, and yet Im feeling hopeful. WEIGHT is a measure. They dont call it WEIGHT of the WORLD for nothin. It seems like the NUMBER means more to me than everything else- the effort, the changes, the consciousness, the desire for change- you can do fantastic things but that NUMBER (or numbers) at least for me, can dramatically change the course of my day, week, month.

I vow to break free of the prison that is my mindset around my WEIGHT. Sure, I want to lose weight and I want to see the "number" move down...but I'll do it as healthily as I possibly can. And revel in the little things:
-better eating- no more processed sugar (except for cheating here and there)
-less red meat
-whole grains only- no processed breads or flour
-exercise is up to at least 4 days and usually 5 a week, more cardio
-muscle definition is starting to show (TWO people have noticed better def in my arms..my ARMS which are the bane of my existence)
SO WHAT ABOUT THOSE GREAT STATS? lets try and focus on the positive shall we?

THESE ARE THE VICTORIES!
-

And I wont crucify myself if I fall, I'll just come back up.

Monday's food was tough because I was travellling. When Im anxious -especially flying - its like all the rules go out the window. Its certainly an area I can do better in- so:

2 toasts 6am - 200
half banana br -7:30am -150
lunch- lobster bisque and carpaccio 500
small peanut butter cupcake - 190 cals
2 shortbread cookies-200
veggie chips-60
2 eggs and ham sausage kilbassa - 340
1 timbit- 50
20 mini eggs- 100
a few cheesies -300
garlic toasts- 200

somewhere between 1800-2000 calories. WOOO.

brkst fine, lunch fine, and then... I ate cookies, a bit of a banana bread, a few cheesies, and some mini-eggs-basically the end of the day was baad. My roommate brought some crap home after a road trip and I couldnt deny it. Again, another "trigger" for me is to see it there on my counter. But ultimately- I have to be able to walk away. NO one is responsible for bad eating except me.

Todays eating (and exercise) was very good.
1 egg with 1 toast 70 +80
protein shake after 1 hr kickboxing class (yeah! aggression!)200
tuna salad with veggies 250
1 hr spin class (yes I did 2 hours today..whoot)
chicken breast, brussel sprouts, white kidney beans 350
2 squares chocolate. 150

Keeping it real for the rest of the week!!!

Day 53...I could get discouraged BUT!

So I woke up this am and I weighed myself. And lo and behold- I havent lost any weight - none. So heres what I know:
from the beginning of this journey Im probably down 5-6 pounds. Thats not horrible, but for someone who thought Id lose 20 pounds, well, helloooo.

I am ultimately accountable for this BECAUSE- If I look at my food logs I have a real problem with consistency. I go three or four days being "good" and then usually blow it by day 5. So I started thinking...if I really want this (and I really do) WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

A few reasons I think of:

I use food as a reward. As a comfort. As a way to deal with frustration. ITs my one "coping thing". I try to basically control everything else in my life. so its my one bad thing..but how it makes me feel is so complex.
I think that for the most part I am very conscious of what I eat. PROB TOO CONSCIOUS. I look around  at people who are (in my mind) THIN and I see them eating pizza and I think- I cant eat any of that ever. ever. and maybe that sets me off feeling sorry for myself. like a crazy person.

So am ever conscious but trying to get to the bottom of it. I need to learn to comfort myself with things other than food. I am definitely into exercise now. So its just about trying to balance that stil and figure out where I will end up to be happy. I am also going to have to face my trainer and tell him that his goals for me are great- but I may feel even more pressure to live up to his expectations which in turn, sets me up to be defiant. Eat. circle. around and around.

Day 52..and I'm feeling alright

So ended last night with chicken, salad and a few squares of 90% chocolate. I thinl 90 is even less sugar and I still like it so Im going to switch to it

This morning I started the day early with a great spin class, food has been good and Ive just felt good all day.//I went out and  bought a few bathing suit tops and bottoms, and lo and behold- I dont hate myself in them!! so I feel a certain sense of victory.

As hard as last week was, with the ups and downs, not great eating. I feel like, ok, I can keep doing this. Just keep working out. Keep trying to eat right as much as possible. drink moderately if at all. (That seems to really throw me off).

One more week before I head off to Punta Cana. I am going to take time = a few hours a day- for myself. Maybe there is yoga there? I'll check into it. Yoga, eating great (I might allow myself to eat fruit there) sleep, family, babies, I will enjoy. oh yes. And boys in bathing suits to look at.

I will weigh myself right before I go to Punta Cana so I know where Im at. I havent weighed myself in a while - partly because Im a chicken shit and it sets me off like nobody's business, partly because I dont want to be a slave to the number. However Its part of being accountable. Stop being such a baby!argh.SELF LOVE SELF LOVE SELF LOVE...ok.

Day 51...I think

So yesterday was a weird one again, it would seem that spring has awakened more than the buds..namely my appetite..

I had the usual two eggs toast
Then gym at noon- trainer didn't show up so I did 30 mins on treadmill, some stair running and some legs
Lunch was cheese and crackers from Starbucks...and a lemon square????
Home to eat ,made a small steak, peppers and brown rice
Had about 5 sugar fees cookies yikes
And a piece of bread withnpb

So likely the cheese and crackers wasn't enough and then I was starving by the time I got home...timing on this lapse of diet is pretty bad given I'm going away in a week but it is what it is?...DO MY best low carb and lean out neat week before I go away...

Day 50..two steps forward...two steps back..its like a dance I swear

So yesterday (Wed) was not a great food day...or workout day..

I had an all day meeting that lasted till 630, and just didnt have the desire to workout afterwards. I had brought my stuff to the gym but really had no desire to go once I spent the day in a room crunching numbers etc.
So food was also off (blame the g-d food in a hotel conference room!!) rather more likely- I have no self-control:

2 eggs toast
cheeseburger and salad for lunch (cheese and mushrooms on the burger...oh god)
3 (yes 3) cookies in the afternoon - small ones but still
chicken breast and bulgur salad for dinner
3 sugar-free cookies

when days like yesterday happen I start to wonder:
1) do I really have NO willpower at all
2) do I have a sugar addiction that knows no bounds
3) do I need to just give myself a break....

Well heres the thing- when I look at my food diary, I cant seem to stay on the "straight" and narrow for more than a few days at a time. And I figure that has more to do with WHY I eat rather that WHAT i eat.
Food has to stop being comfort to me. GIven my history with Anxiety, I know thats a tough one to beat. Taking anxiety meds helps but then blunts all my responses, and I dont think that I would have energy for workouts....I feel a little lost, admittedly. Maybe its time to do the full gamut of blood tests to see what the hell is going on...maybe there is something to this that I'm not getting, cause right now I feel like I am climbing a hill that leads to nowhere.

Workout today - hurray! yeeeesh.

Day 49...later...

So I finished The day with a strong chocolate craving...But I'm not going to hate myself that. Everyday I just keep going and keep trying..even though I sometimes get down...

WHAT I WANT? I want to feel light....that's not nessarily about weight...but lightness of being...I need to continue looking for that. Feeling that I deserve to be at my best...looking good, feeling good..getting stronger every single day.

Day 49...wow 49 days already

So last night ended with chicken breast,edamame salad and whole grain salad. Hard to find those ones with no sugar, so went for the lowest sugar ones I could find.

Today was going to make it to gym during day- but I will head out in the am before my meeting downtown, a good way to start the day for sure. Decide which gym this evening. Probably best to Goodlife at Rideau since I can walk across the street to my meeting at 10am.

Tonight have Kelly's presentation, taking on extra stuff right now was probably a bad idea but such is life.

so will hv workouts wed,thurs,fri. should be dead by weeks end.

Day 46.47.48.

Well. Day 46 friday- was better in that I didnt do my usual binge of movie chocolate.froyo.etc.

Did the usual diet and had dried ribs and a glass of wine after shopping.

Sat- well, hmm.
2 eggs & toast
1 hr spin class
powerbar
charcuterie platter shared (meats and cheese)
3 glasses wine, and a few rum and cokes...3?4....I lost count (I went out to celebrate the deal)

Day 48. Hungover. Complete Write-off. Not even worth writing what I ate. BAD!


SO- Day 49- back on the horse, again (this horse sure does move around)...

2 toasts (no eggs in the house)
almonds
1 hr workout
whole wheat pita- chicken breast-
oatmeal sugarless cookies (2)
No carbs for dinner!I'll have a chicken breast and some veggies.

Thank god I only drink once every 6 months to a year like I did on Saturday. ugh.

Day 45..Thursday!

Today is pretty non-eventful. Had to go to a new organic store since my beloved store burned down yesterday. Yes!
I looked into the high def vaser. Yikes. procedure is 18K . PLUS- overnight stay + care etc. Hmm. maybe not. Will look into vaser lipo in Toronto. Maybe if I financed half and paid half Alot of it will have to do with bonuses this year.
So, food:
2 toasts, 2 eggs
almonds
ezekiel cereal with almond milk and stevia (gross)
4 slices turkey bacon
2 squares 85% chocolate
whole wheat pasta, turkey breast, pesto
2 squares chocolate

I'm confused. I measured my waist today. looks like 32 .5- almost 33. So I would think I'd see some changes but not really seeing any weight loss at all or even inches. So what gives? I think my weekend binging of chocolate with movies is not helping me at all. Gotta be consistent. I am seriously worried that I cant seem to lose anymore weight. What do I have to do?

Day 43.and 44.

Tues and Wed:

Not much to report- here's food intake and exercise:

Tues:

2 eggs toast, coffee almond milk 0/2
a few almonds
coffee with cream
salmon salad (out) ; san pelligrino water 0/1
4 squares chocolate- 130 cals, 5 grams sugar 5/0
workout- 30 mins treadmill
turkey roast, brussel sprouts brown rice 0/2
4 squares choc 5/0

Wed:

2 eggs toast 0/2
coffee with cream (small)
1 hr workout - focus on legs today
turkey sandwhich 0/2
whole wheat pasta with pesto
protein shake

Seriously thinking about vaser high def for my arms - will be finding out about this in the next few weeks.

Day 42..Monday into the two weeks

Today, I am down to two weeks before the trip. And rather than berating myself to fit into a bikini, (which I will buy ANYWAY) .....

One thing I am very proud of that I think has changed in my overall attitude is that I will allow myself to get to my goals as I get there..if it takes me a year to get to my goal, then that is what it will take. THE MOST important thing is that I keep going, dont give up, and just keep the process going., BE CONSISTENT..I may fall down, I might eat something I shouldnt, but instead of throwing it all away, Im just trying to be as consistent as possible. Adding in the cardio. Less sugar than ever. Hardly any processed foods. So I feel like I'm doing a good thing. Even if the scale doesnt budge for weeks, I will feel like its something.

So today:

2 toasts, 2 eggs 0/2
handful of almonds 0/0
protein bar (sugar alcohols 6/1)
1 toast with pb 0/1
turkey roast, brussel sprouts, brown rice 0/1)
protein shake 0/0 (cocoa,pb,protein powder,ice 0/0)

Day 41..Sunday and two week countdown..

Ok. So last night movie. Well. I had- hot dog. small popcorn. 2 squares chocolate. and then almonds. sigh. Obviously not the best. Ah well. Its obvious I cant do movies and stay on plan. FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS I CANNOT DO MOVIES. And so.

Today, I ate ok:
2 egg and toasts
chicken on an ezekiel tortilla with lowfat mayo
50 mins on the treadmill. (not bad!)
protein shake (pp, peanut butter, water)
beef tenderloin, salad, tomatoe with horseradish
1 glass wine
So today I recovered from yesterday's bad eats. I will add the cardio to the workouts for the next two weeks, abs and pushups for the next two weeks and now that I'm not going away I can plan and thus be on plan right up to when I go away. Oh, theres St Patty's day in there but I will have to do a workout or two extra to ensure that doesnt throw me off. I wont be drinking heavily so I'll be fine.

Day 39 and 40...Anxiety flying high and success!

Alright. So took off for Vancouver on thurs at noon- food on that day:

2 eggs toast as per usual
chicken sandwhich
almonds
2 shortbread cookies (aack)
starbucks cookie pop (double aack)
seafood salad
2 glasses red wine
So for a travel day it wasnt horrible, could have been worse.The level of anxiety I was experiencing was extremely high (nerves around a presentation I had to do on fri am) but it all works out...as you'll see.

Friday food:

2 eggs, multigrain toast (not 0 sugar, hard to get that in a resto)
1 tall latte
dry ribs for lunch, 1 glass wine
a few sweet potatoe fries
1 small caramel square(petite treat)
cheese platter, small chocolate (70% choc) bar
shortbread cookies
2 rum and cokes at the bar

So not a great food day but again, travel and tried to keep it reasonable. Im over it. Whatevah.

Today I am having a relaxing spa day, and back on track with food- later i will go to gym and have a nice run, steam, sauna and shower. Awesome. Hmmmm...but then, I want to go to a "MOVIE"...hmmm..how to deal with the movie food dilemna. Maybe...hot dog, and i bring chocolate? I think that could work.

Off to BC...and food and stuff

So today was a good day overall. Im glad I went to the gym given that I'm travelling tommorow to BC- long flight but I'll use the time to prepare my presentation/proposal etc.

Food today was ok, Ann brought home some 0 sugar treats but I can see them being domino foods. ...I wish she wouldnt bring them home! but I just have to learn to moderate eating and not be a complete food addict.

2 eggs, 2 toasts 0/2
handful of almonds 0/0
Workout- 1 hr legs - lots of squats- and then 25 mins running on treadmill
tuna on a pita with low fat mayo with salad  0/2
1 sugar free cookie 0/1
chicken thighs and salad 0/0
3 chocolate sugar free candies (160 cals) 0/1

Need to prepare a sandwich and almonds for the flight, and should be good till I get to BC. Have meetings on thurs aft. and prep for preso. Then Thurs am will have bkfst at hotel, then do preso, eat lunch somewhere closeby then head to airport.

Day 37..Workout waining

Well today was a full on work brain day. While Im working on this deal I find it tough to focus on anything else. HOWEVER!! my workouts are my gift to myself, and so I have to focus on them when I am at the gym. And ofcourse once I'm back this weekend I'll be a little more relaxed and focused on me instead of external stuff.

SO today's food was..ok'ish:

2 eggs two toasts 0/2
handful of almonds 0/0
tuna in a pita 0/2
protein shake (cocoa powder, vega powder, peanut butter, ice, almond milk) 0/0
chicken and salad 0/0
2 oatmeal no sugar cookies 0/2
1 square of chocolate 3/0
1 mini babel 0/0

Annnd.I should have done some cardio but I just didnt feel like going out.

Its that late-night snack that always gets me. I have to have good options for a later snack that doesnt blow my day. And having no sugar cookies is ok, but have to be careful not to have more than 2 a day.

Its kinda like the chocolate jonesin thing. Once I start I find it hard to stop. Best option are single 2 square chocolates. Portion control!
Tommorow gonna do 40 mins cardio workout after my workout. ha. That will give me the stress relief I need, and I need stress relief. Oh yeah.

Day 36...PMS false alarm?

Today was a good day- but no period. IN any case:

2 eggs, 2 toasts
handful of almonds
1 hr weight workout (Focus on shoulders, biceps and arms)
20 mins cardio
can of tuna, whole wheat pita
cottage cheese, slivered almonds, stevia
small steak, mushrooms, 1/2 cup of brown rice.

I would LOVE some chocolate. Jonesin' for chocolate. ah well.

Day 36..PMS

Well I had a bitch of a time resisting the chocolate last night-and then it hit me that I might be PMS'ing. One thing that makes this blog useful amongst other things is the ability to go back and see when I last had my period- so according to this I had it on Day 15, which would be 21 days ago exactly. So Im hoping yesterday's chocolate overload is based on that. Other than that they day's food was ok:

2 eggs, 2 toasts 0/2
1 chicken breast, salad 0/0
chocolate -2 squares 4/0
1/2 cup cottage cheese with slivered almonds 0/0
small steak. 1/2 cup brown rice, salad, mushrooms 0/2
chocolate- 6 squares- 10/0

So I probably either just made it on sugar or went over. Carbs overall were ok. Lesson here: no chocolate bars in the house, even if they are 85% chocolate. I just dont have the wherewithall to moderate. If I am craving chocolate I'll have a hot chocolate made with the cocoa powder I bought and some stevia.

Today have my trainer, and will do extra cardio. Also need to get some sundries for the trip to Van later this week. 
I also vow that for the  next four weeks, no movies. I cant resist the movie food or yogurt so Im better off to find something else to do with my time, I have just four weeks before I go away and want to do my best to get down in weight and inches.

Day 35..

I need a day off from the gym, and I feel sort of...premenstrual-and since when do I get cramps?..so I was going to do Hot Yoga today, but Im gonna relax . at least this am. Maybe I'll go to the gym later and jump in the hot tub, yeah.

So last night no big changes, I did have one glass of wine. Today I will stick to it with no chocolate . bwah.

Get ready for next week - So Im thinking in terms of exercise:
Mon- Gym+ 20 mins cardio
Tues- cardio
Wed- Gym+20 mins
Thurs-Travel-= gym aft/eve-maybe a run outside?
Fri-Meeting/Travel
Sat-workout
Sun-workout

Have to plan my meals out for travel. So I will need a sandwich and some almonds for flight down, and almonds for flight back.

Day 34..Sat Sat..

Today started out early and well.

Last night at the movies- hot dog, froyo, and almonds. again, not a great finish to a day that was good.

Drove my niece to work and took advantage of an early start to go to the gym and get my cardio in.

So did 38 minutes at progressively faster and faster speeds, it took me a while to get started.
Shower and headed out.

Food today was "ok"- but having choc in the house is a definite no-no- see below- last night was usual movie overdo. I have to curb that for this month.

So:
1 egg 2 toasts this am
chicken breast with salad
2 squares choc 85%
beef stew
4 squares choc
2 eggs 2 toasts
4 squares choc

Day 33..Into the weekend...

This weekend should be good- no planned events (I had my outing last night with the girls and didnt really eat anything horrible, a bite of gnocchi and 2 glasses of wine, which are allowed anyway) so am just going to stay on plan, and enjoy...

So yesterday's food:

2 eggs 2 toast  0/2
handful of almonds 0/0
chicken breast wrapped in an ezekiel tortilla 0/2
8 (small) squares of 75% chocolate - 160 cals and approx 5 grams sugar 5/1
30 mins run on treadmill.
shrimp appetizer -1/0 (lots of tomatoes)
steak tartare 2/1- a few crips -but they also made beet crisps, which were awesome, but soaked in a sugar/vinegar mix, so Im adding 2 grams of sugar here.

I am going to begin my 5K quest starting tommorow (Today I have my trainer at noon)...we'll see if I can actually run at least 3/4 of it. I should be able to if I start with that.
Punta Cana- I will be there at this time next month! hoooooraaaay

Will post food here later.

Day 32..Jeebus

Ok so jumped on the scale this am. Im UP a pound. Explain that to me please. BUT - heres the weird thing. Im DOWN an inch from my waist- 2 .5 inches total from the start , and an inch off each thigh- so I have to hope that Im retaining water or something, because it just doesnt make sense. And ifs G-D- frustrating. fu.c.k.

AHHHH... I will not lose my mind, sabotage, I will just keep going. Doing cardio tonight before I go out, and will do the cardio thng, at least 30 mins a day, for the next 30 while I watch my diet. What else can I do?

I refuse to believe this is my body's "set point". I refuse.

Will post food tommorow, with any luck I will be able to see a re-adjustment on the scale.

Day 31..into March ...we go!

So today is -1 day before I have 30 days to go for Punta Cana. I will try to pay extra special attention to diet, and exercise, ramp up the cardio, and generally do well for myself if and as is possible.

Went to the gym today- started to do workout and trainer wanted to talk about goals again- he sees improvement in my abs (Hello Belly Fat Cure) and now wants to establish some targets - :

He asked what areas of the body I wanted to focus on so I said:
Get better obliques (tighten in my waistline)
2 inches off arms
2 inches off waist
hips- down 3 inches

So we'll see how I do getting towards that goal. Small, incremental changes seem to be making a difference. Time will tell.

Another day, another food roll-call :
3 eggs with 2 pieces toast -sourdough kamut 0/2
1 handful almonds pre-workout 0/0
Workout- 30 mins treadmill at 5.1
Psychoanalysis by trainer- 1 hr. HA. well its all worth it because he continuously tells me not to apologize for wanting to be the best (even better than I can imagine) version of me that I can be. I realized that there is something holding me back- the fear of being perceived as overly vain. But- as he said- FUCK EM IF THEY CANT TAKE A JOKE.
Tuna-small can with mayo, lots and lots of veg and ezekiel tortilla  0/2
cottage cheese with stevia 0/0
Chicken breast, rest of salad (alot) and 1 piece sourdough kamut 0/1 and almond butter
Tea!
Will weigh myself on thursday, cause thurs night I'm expected to go out and i think will likely have 1 or 2 glasses of wine, which will stall me.

Day 30.! Well....

Today is day 30.Not sure what that means exactly-but given how much Ive jumped around on these diets Im not going to make any specific statements of where I "should" be..I tend to self-sabotage on the goal setting thing so I'm just keeping to it and making no grandiose statements.

I have ALWAYS. ALWAYS ALWAYS killed my own spirit by setting ridiculous goals,and so Im trying my darndest to stick to something with some regularity.

So today I had no eggs (gotta go out and get some at the organic store) and you know..Ive been eating alot more "organic" these days (bread, eggs, veggies) and I dont know if its psychosematic (is that the spelling, I dunno) but I feel ...better.

So today I had oatmeal with some stevia and a TINY bit of splenda brown sugar.. 3/2

Get eggs for lunch. Gotta go out anyway so I'll kill two..well you know the rest.

So got the eggs. Had 2 with 2 pieces sourdough kamut bread 0/2

2 squares dark chocolate mid-afternoon 110 cals 3/1

Bison Steak, lettuce, mushrooms and 1/3 cup rice. 0/1

Cottage cheese with stevia 0/0

Didnt make it to the gym. Have to do an extra 45 tommorow after my training.

If I cant do separate workouts then I have to add on to my existing workouts, need to up that cardio!!