Day 57..Vegetarian is goood!.....who knew..

Today I had a jerusalem artichoke....and it was delicious! In the past few days I've been eating lunch at the Green Door- a local vegetarian/vegan restaurant...if you can get past the table mates talking about Xenu and their third eye, its really fantastic food- so many colourful veggies, beautifully prepared, organic, fresh..yum. I could def become a fish.chicken-a-tarian ...I love my steak but if I only had it once a month or less I'd be ok.

So today;s food and exercise:
2 eggs and toast
1 spelt bread, tofu and broccoli, mushrooms, brussel sprouts, beet and carrot salad.
glazed almonds
1 hr spin
chicken breast, mixed beans, spinach
protein shake (vegan powder, coco powder, 1/2 banana, almond milk)

New hair, new eyelashes, and three days away from leaving for Punta!. awesome.

Day 56..and on and on..

Last night was a good finish. Felt good about doing some strong cardio after a bad eating day on mon.and getting back ontrack . Today's eats were good too
2 toasts 2 eggs
a few slivered almonds
1 hour workout- mostly strength training- upper body and abs
1 piece bread, tofu stirfy/salad at vegetarian restaurant.raspberry torte vegan and spelt crust
chicken breast,brussel sprouts and cilantro salad
2 squares 90% chocolate.

So a good eating day today. Will do cardio tommorow (spin and maybe a run too!) and friday, sat, and sun am! And then off to have some fun in the sun....yeah!

Day 54.55...And still I soldier on...

So not quite 60 days..two months, and yet Im feeling hopeful. WEIGHT is a measure. They dont call it WEIGHT of the WORLD for nothin. It seems like the NUMBER means more to me than everything else- the effort, the changes, the consciousness, the desire for change- you can do fantastic things but that NUMBER (or numbers) at least for me, can dramatically change the course of my day, week, month.

I vow to break free of the prison that is my mindset around my WEIGHT. Sure, I want to lose weight and I want to see the "number" move down...but I'll do it as healthily as I possibly can. And revel in the little things:
-better eating- no more processed sugar (except for cheating here and there)
-less red meat
-whole grains only- no processed breads or flour
-exercise is up to at least 4 days and usually 5 a week, more cardio
-muscle definition is starting to show (TWO people have noticed better def in my arms..my ARMS which are the bane of my existence)
SO WHAT ABOUT THOSE GREAT STATS? lets try and focus on the positive shall we?

THESE ARE THE VICTORIES!
-

And I wont crucify myself if I fall, I'll just come back up.

Monday's food was tough because I was travellling. When Im anxious -especially flying - its like all the rules go out the window. Its certainly an area I can do better in- so:

2 toasts 6am - 200
half banana br -7:30am -150
lunch- lobster bisque and carpaccio 500
small peanut butter cupcake - 190 cals
2 shortbread cookies-200
veggie chips-60
2 eggs and ham sausage kilbassa - 340
1 timbit- 50
20 mini eggs- 100
a few cheesies -300
garlic toasts- 200

somewhere between 1800-2000 calories. WOOO.

brkst fine, lunch fine, and then... I ate cookies, a bit of a banana bread, a few cheesies, and some mini-eggs-basically the end of the day was baad. My roommate brought some crap home after a road trip and I couldnt deny it. Again, another "trigger" for me is to see it there on my counter. But ultimately- I have to be able to walk away. NO one is responsible for bad eating except me.

Todays eating (and exercise) was very good.
1 egg with 1 toast 70 +80
protein shake after 1 hr kickboxing class (yeah! aggression!)200
tuna salad with veggies 250
1 hr spin class (yes I did 2 hours today..whoot)
chicken breast, brussel sprouts, white kidney beans 350
2 squares chocolate. 150

Keeping it real for the rest of the week!!!

Day 53...I could get discouraged BUT!

So I woke up this am and I weighed myself. And lo and behold- I havent lost any weight - none. So heres what I know:
from the beginning of this journey Im probably down 5-6 pounds. Thats not horrible, but for someone who thought Id lose 20 pounds, well, helloooo.

I am ultimately accountable for this BECAUSE- If I look at my food logs I have a real problem with consistency. I go three or four days being "good" and then usually blow it by day 5. So I started thinking...if I really want this (and I really do) WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

A few reasons I think of:

I use food as a reward. As a comfort. As a way to deal with frustration. ITs my one "coping thing". I try to basically control everything else in my life. so its my one bad thing..but how it makes me feel is so complex.
I think that for the most part I am very conscious of what I eat. PROB TOO CONSCIOUS. I look around  at people who are (in my mind) THIN and I see them eating pizza and I think- I cant eat any of that ever. ever. and maybe that sets me off feeling sorry for myself. like a crazy person.

So am ever conscious but trying to get to the bottom of it. I need to learn to comfort myself with things other than food. I am definitely into exercise now. So its just about trying to balance that stil and figure out where I will end up to be happy. I am also going to have to face my trainer and tell him that his goals for me are great- but I may feel even more pressure to live up to his expectations which in turn, sets me up to be defiant. Eat. circle. around and around.

Day 52..and I'm feeling alright

So ended last night with chicken, salad and a few squares of 90% chocolate. I thinl 90 is even less sugar and I still like it so Im going to switch to it

This morning I started the day early with a great spin class, food has been good and Ive just felt good all day.//I went out and  bought a few bathing suit tops and bottoms, and lo and behold- I dont hate myself in them!! so I feel a certain sense of victory.

As hard as last week was, with the ups and downs, not great eating. I feel like, ok, I can keep doing this. Just keep working out. Keep trying to eat right as much as possible. drink moderately if at all. (That seems to really throw me off).

One more week before I head off to Punta Cana. I am going to take time = a few hours a day- for myself. Maybe there is yoga there? I'll check into it. Yoga, eating great (I might allow myself to eat fruit there) sleep, family, babies, I will enjoy. oh yes. And boys in bathing suits to look at.

I will weigh myself right before I go to Punta Cana so I know where Im at. I havent weighed myself in a while - partly because Im a chicken shit and it sets me off like nobody's business, partly because I dont want to be a slave to the number. However Its part of being accountable. Stop being such a baby!argh.SELF LOVE SELF LOVE SELF LOVE...ok.

Day 51...I think

So yesterday was a weird one again, it would seem that spring has awakened more than the buds..namely my appetite..

I had the usual two eggs toast
Then gym at noon- trainer didn't show up so I did 30 mins on treadmill, some stair running and some legs
Lunch was cheese and crackers from Starbucks...and a lemon square????
Home to eat ,made a small steak, peppers and brown rice
Had about 5 sugar fees cookies yikes
And a piece of bread withnpb

So likely the cheese and crackers wasn't enough and then I was starving by the time I got home...timing on this lapse of diet is pretty bad given I'm going away in a week but it is what it is?...DO MY best low carb and lean out neat week before I go away...

Day 50..two steps forward...two steps back..its like a dance I swear

So yesterday (Wed) was not a great food day...or workout day..

I had an all day meeting that lasted till 630, and just didnt have the desire to workout afterwards. I had brought my stuff to the gym but really had no desire to go once I spent the day in a room crunching numbers etc.
So food was also off (blame the g-d food in a hotel conference room!!) rather more likely- I have no self-control:

2 eggs toast
cheeseburger and salad for lunch (cheese and mushrooms on the burger...oh god)
3 (yes 3) cookies in the afternoon - small ones but still
chicken breast and bulgur salad for dinner
3 sugar-free cookies

when days like yesterday happen I start to wonder:
1) do I really have NO willpower at all
2) do I have a sugar addiction that knows no bounds
3) do I need to just give myself a break....

Well heres the thing- when I look at my food diary, I cant seem to stay on the "straight" and narrow for more than a few days at a time. And I figure that has more to do with WHY I eat rather that WHAT i eat.
Food has to stop being comfort to me. GIven my history with Anxiety, I know thats a tough one to beat. Taking anxiety meds helps but then blunts all my responses, and I dont think that I would have energy for workouts....I feel a little lost, admittedly. Maybe its time to do the full gamut of blood tests to see what the hell is going on...maybe there is something to this that I'm not getting, cause right now I feel like I am climbing a hill that leads to nowhere.

Workout today - hurray! yeeeesh.